The AnthEmmys

If there's one form of music that I truly respect, it's the national anthem. All the patriotic pride and national power you can muster stuffed into one rousing tune. Which is why it totally sucks balls when we have preschoolers and pop stars singing our anthem. I feel no patriotic pride when I hear our anthem before baseball games or whatever with a pop star belting out the lines - where's the sense of unity you get with a choir, the sense of strength you get with a military choir? For crying out loud, I want to feel proud of our country, and Beyonce just doesn't make me feel like that (I feel something different when I see and hear Beyonce, but let's not get into the details of that). And, worst of all, although our anthem isn't bad per se, it's far and away not the best, so I figured I was bored enough to write a post detailing the all-time winners for anthems in various categories:

Category 1: Music:

The criteria for this are simple: does the music inspire pride in the members of that country and envy in outsiders? Does it convey a message of monolithic strength and unity? When I hear it, do I wish that I was a citizen of that country?

The Nominees are:

Germany - the iconic tune sung to "Deutschland, Deutschland, Uber Alles / Uber Alles in Der Welt" is inspiring enough for me to forget that that was the music under which my people were exterminated, and that is a huge damn feat for that music. Damn awesome tune.

South Korea - a rousing tune set atop a strong baseline; the result is a feeling of hope atop a basis of strength.

Russia - the tune that won WWII. Replaced the kumbaya-style Internationale with a strong dose of pure Russian manhood. Goes well with vodka.

Serbia - another song of slavic power. A massive thunk-thunk-thunk baseline to let you know that you're just inevitably going to be squashed like a bug, and that's it.

Honorable Mentions:

Israel - a stirring tune but too sad to achieve the 'bastion of strength' feeling you get from the above anthems.

Poland - the same as Israel, only in the opposite direction; while Israel's anthem was slightly too mournful to make the list, Poland's is too upbeat, and thus also misses the solemn "we will crush you" strength of the nominees.

North Korea - although a song fit for their "Dear Leader", it's too cookie-cutter and boring after the first few stanzas to stand up to the nominees.

The Internationale - amazing, but was replaced by something even better (see above), so it's unable to make the list.

And the winner is... (highlight next line to see answer)

RUSSIA. A tune deliberately composed to win a war, and does the job admirably. Bonus points especially for being sung by the manliest musical group ever to exist, the Red Army Choir, enough to eke out a victory over the still-fucking-amazing German anthem.

Category 2: Lyrics:

The criteria for this are simple too: do the lyrics motivate me to go out and crush some enemies of the state? Are they filled with a blood-curdling pride? If so, they win.

And the nominees are:

France - Come on, seriously? "They came and slit the throats of our female companions, so we'll water our fields with their fucking blood!" Fucking awesome. Don't mess with the hookers of the French, they'll kill you.

Poland - "Bonaparte showed us how to be victorious... March, March, Dabrowski, we're going to conquer all of Europe! We're going to fucking march all the way to Italy!" I've never seen a country declare in their lyrics that they're going to subjugate all their neighbors, less a country whose history is actually one of being dominated by everyone around them, but hell, what a spirit there.

USA - Summary: "You blew the hell out of our fort, but we didn't give up and you lost the war, so suck it Britain!" That's badass.

Soviet Union - Starts badass and gets better from there: "Unbreakable union of freeborn republics / great Russia has welded forever" and goes on to describe how they kicked the ever-living shit out of the Nazis.

Honorable Mentions:

California Uber Alles - Not really an anthem, but badass all the same: "Hippies won't come back you say / Mellow out or YOU WILL PAY! / Mellow out or YOU WILL PAY! / California, Uber Alles! / California Uber Alles!"

Borat's Kazakh Anthem: "Kazakhstan is the greatest / country in the world / all other countries / are run by little girls". The more shameless insults thrown at other countries, the better, and Borat understood this damn well.

And the winner is (highlight next line for answer)...

FRANCE. Come on, they explicitly declare that they'll water the fields with the blood of their enemies, and their chorus is a call to arms. No way anyone can top that.

Category 3: All-around:

Criteria: the best all-around anthem.

The nominees are... everyone nominated above.

And the winner is (if you don't know how to view it this time around, you're hopeless)...

SOVIET UNION. A badass tune with badass words from a badass country sung by a badass choir makes this anthem the best anthem ever.